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A reader writes: “What exactly are the duties of a Grammar Police Deputy?”

Well, first of all, thanks for your question! And, second, we must get busy defining those responsibilities as we now have several applications for the position, and we recently named a couple of deputies. Here’s your job description …

The duties of a Grammar Police (GP) Deputy include but are not limited to:

  • Affect an arrest, using forcible language if necessary.
  • Subdue resisting subjects using social media and the Web while employing defensive tactical manners, or approved non-lethal words.
  • Pursue fleeing suspects both day and night in unfamiliar terrain.
  • Use grammatically-correct force through barriers to search, seize, investigate and/or rescue.
  • Perform grammar searches of Tweets, Web postings, books, TV/radio, movies and everyday conversations.
  • Climb over obstacles, through openings, jump down from elevated surfaces. Jump over obstacles, ditches and streams. Crawl in confined areas to pursue, search, investigate and/or rescue. Conduct searches of buildings and large outdoor areas. All figuratively, of course.
  • Perform tasks which require thinking, typing, laughing, or reading while performing arrest, rescue or general grammar patrol functions.
  • Prepare investigative and other reports, using appropriate grammar, usage,  symbols and mathematical computations.
  • Present aforementioned reports to the Grammar Police Captain (@GrammarCops) via Tweets on Twitter or via comments on https://grammarcops.wordpress.com/
  • Communicate effectively over approved grammar enforcement channels while initiating and responding to questions and other communications.
  • Communicate verbally and effectively by listening to others and by giving information, directions and commands, often within a 140 character limitation. 
  • Conduct grammar surveillance for extended periods of time (and always with a smile).
  • Perform grammar enforcement patrol functions while working rotating shifts and unanticipated overtime (for which you will never be paid).
  • Operate emergency vocabulary during both the day and night in pursuit situations involving grammar goofs in excess of posted limits while exercising due care and caution, in exception to traffic control devices and in congested traffic, unsafe language and environmental conditions.
  • Load, unload, aim and fire words, abbreviations, acronyms, phrases, complete sentences, and other grammar enforcement agency weapons from a variety of body positions in situations that justify the use of non-deadly force while maintaining emotional control under real and/or imagined extreme stress.
  • May serve a variety of civil grammar actions. Take a stand.
  • Conduct grammar enforcement investigations to include the following critical tasks: protect grammar, usage, spelling and punctuation crime and accident scenes, conduct interviews, record information, measure and diagram grammar crime and accident scenes, prepare detailed reports of investigative findings, seize and process evidence, present testimony and evidence in civil or criminal grammar court proceedings.
  • Recommend appropriate sentences for convicted offenders.
  • Perform a variety of public assistance activities. Exercise independent judgment within grammar guidelines.
  • Maintain deputy certification requirements as recommended by the captain, and adhere to all policies and procedures.

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